My niche in dating and relationship therapy has developed over the years and the one relationship that many people get trapped in are those we know to be called situationships. This word has been widely adopted and utilized often in society. It seems to be a glamorized term being the influence for many to engage in the so-called benefits of the relationship forgetting to consider the drawbacks.
A situationship is a relationship with someone in which there is a romantic connection, often involving time spent together,
affection, and sexual behaviors, but no clarity or label. Situationships can also be described as relationships that reflect low levels of commitment, and may be one sided, where one individual wants more from the relationship than the
other, yet they still mimic dating relationships.
With this dynamic confusion tends to exist because people don’t always understand and/or set clear boundaries and misalign with what they say they are seeking from a committed relationship to settle for what many call a situationship. Regardless of gender, many men and women lack understanding of what their non-negotiables are for a committed relationship and/or ignore them for the sake of being with someone.
Situationships will always have an undefined relationship status meaning that there has not been a clear label discussed regarding the status of the relationship. The person you are dating may date you while keeping other options open in seeing other people.
The part that feels most confusing to many is the emotional intimacy. It sometimes can resemble that of a romantic relationship to confide in another person and share your feelings but it’s missing the “formal” relationship aspect. Without this the relationship lacks stability.
Situationships also don’t have long term goals that are discussed or any joint plans for future planning. It usually just consists of you meeting up and connecting sexually among other ways until next time. With that communication is always marked as irregular and unpredictable.
I know many people start this type of relationship believing that it does not take an emotional and mental toll on them but it does. Many clients have discussed their ability to hang tight in a situationship with hopes that things will change. The cyclical nature of a situationship can contribute to various mental health issues (Shah, 2020). Such as:
- Constant worry, and restlessness as symptoms of anxiety related to the future of the relationship.
- Feel lonely, isolated, and lacking companionship due to the absence of clear commitment and emotional support.
- Feelings of being undervalued or lack of self-worth due to the absence of validation in the relationship.
- Difficulty trusting others and forming secure attachments in any relationship.
- Feelings of guilt due to engaging in physical intimacy, where expectations and future consequences are unclear. (Shah, 2020).
Many of these issues are struggles that I help individuals work through when attending therapy. Suggestions from Kansky, J., & Allen, J. P. (2017). Making Sense and Moving On. Emerging Adulthood are:
- Consider taking a break or creating physical and emotional distance from the person involved in the situationship.
- Think about what you truly want in a relationship and what aligns with your values and needs.
- Identify your triggering points that prevent you from settling into a full-fledged relationship.
- Establish clear boundaries based on your comfort level and be prepared to walk away if the situationship no longer serves you.
- Try to be patient and kind to yourself throughout the process, and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
- Prioritize self-care activities such as reading, painting, gardening, and playing an instrument.
A lot of this may be easier said than done but I try to reinforce the cons of engaging in this type of relationship and how they continue to increase mental health symptoms especially if my clients outcome is to be in a committed relationship.
Source Cited List:
Kansky, Jessica & Allen, Joseph. (2017). Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups. Emerging Adulthood. 6. 216769681771176. 10.1177/2167696817711766.
Langlais, Michael & Podberesky, Arielle & Toohey, Lyra & Lee, Celia. (2024). Defining and Describing Situationships: An Exploratory Investigation. Sexuality & Culture. 28. 1-27. 10.1007/s12119-024-10210-6.
Shah, Anisha. (2020). Relationships and mental health.
